You like that? Try it with bacon. Hell, we got enough pigs, have six or seven slices. Take some for your water too. Let the pork line your throat like Jesus isn’t watching. Everyone loves bacon, and if they don’t they’re weird and different. And you wouldn’t want people thinking you’re weird and/or different, would you? Or even worse, having them wonder if you’re trying to avoid participating in The Struggle™? The pigs don’t even feel it, on account of not having souls. You string them up by their little peoplesies and cut their necks until they can’t scream no more. We wouldn’t have bacon without this sacred act, plus their fear and confusion (which they don’t experience, again, no souls) enhances the flavor. No harder than cutting a 3-year-old or a Golden Retriever. Then you throw away the rest, all the stuff that isn’t bacon, because all we want are the thick strips of that beautiful meat.

If you’re religious, we got beef ribs. That’s made of cows, and cows are morons, utter dunces. They let us steal their babies. We wouldn’t want you to go without, but please consider a change of faith. Bacon loves you at least as much as God does. Put it in the pan; it spits hot kisses all over your face and tries jumping up to be closer to you. Stick your head right on the pan and see if friends and family can smell the difference. Take half a pack of bacon in your mouth and shove the rest right up your asshole. Experience digestion in a whole new direction. Shit out bacon, eat your bacon shit, then eat more bacon. It tastes like humans, but we don’t eat humans. We’re not animals. Could animals come up with something as fantastic as bacon air fresheners? Not likely.

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